A Curmudgeon's Guide to Surviving Fitness Classes
Fitness classes are great. They’re energetic, structured, communal, and scientifically designed to make you sweat in ways that feel productive rather than alarming. They’re also led by people who tell others what to do.
If you’re like me, then you're the kind of person who feels the impulse to walk in the opposite direction when someone says, “Follow me!” I can't help it. I blame my Gen X genes.
But I'm old. And with age comes cynicism. But age also comes with knowledge and experience. So I'm here to share how I have learned to enjoy a fitness class while not compromising my asshole personality.
1. Selective Listening
Instructors talk. A lot. I guess they have to since it’s their job. But you don’t have to absorb everything they say.
Think of their cues like a radio station you occasionally tune into when the song sounds good.
“Give me one more!” Nope. You said 10 when we started this set, and that is all I'm obligated to do.
“Alright, y'all. Let's see if we can do one more!” I don't think so, 'y'all'.
“You look awesome, Cary! I bet you can do one more!” Okay, challenge accepted, you flatterer.
You’re not ignoring them. You’re...curating your experience.
2. Hide in the Back
The back row is where the inexperienced and the free spirits gather. It’s the Switzerland of the fitness studio: neutral, peaceful, and safely out of the instructor’s direct line of fire.
Benefits include:
No one can see what you’re doing.
You can see everyone else.
You can listen to your body and modify, improvise, or interpret the movements without fear of judgement.
If the instructor asks how you’re doing, just give a thumbs up. They love that. But arrive early. Those spots tend to fill up fast.
3. You're Not Being Rebellious; You're "Modifying"
Fitness culture seems to love the word "modification." It’s supposedly code for “do whatever your body needs.”
This is perfect.
Instructor: “Okay, now jump!” You: [your ass hurts from the double-time squats you had to do earlier, so you perform a grounded, sensible, non-jumping version] Instructor: “Great modification!” You: [give thumbs up]
You’re not being contrary. You’re being mindful. Nobody knows your body better than you!
4. Hydration Breaks Are Your Emergency Exit
Water breaks are socially acceptable reasons to disappear from a fitness class.
Feeling overwhelmed? Confused by the movement? Emotionally allergic to being told to “engage your core”?
Sip your water like it’s a witness protection strategy.
No one questions the person drinking water. They’re basically a hero.
5. Master the Neutral Face
Your face should say:
“I am listening.” “I am participating.” “I am absolutely not doing burpees because I will throw up.”
This expression is key. It keeps the instructor happy while you quietly do your own thing, because it makes it look like you're "in the zone."
6. Remember: You Paid to Be There, So You’re in Charge
This is the ultimate loophole.
You’re not defying authority. You’re "customizing a service you purchased."
If the instructor says, “Give me ten more!” you can absolutely respond (internally):
'I’ll give you three and a half...and they’ll be interpretive.'
7. Laugh at Yourself Early and Often
You will mess up. Everyone does. Even the instructor, occasionally, and they pretend it was on purpose.
Your job is not to be perfect. Your job is to move your body, have fun, and avoid being bossed around.
If you can laugh at yourself, you’ve already won.
Group fitness classes doesn’t have to feel like boot camp if you don't want it to. It can be a buffet: take what you want, leave what you don’t, and enjoy the parts that make you feel strong, capable, and slightly smug about your ability to resist peer pressure.
At the end of the day, you're first victory is that you showed up. You moved. You carved out space for yourself in a room designed for synchronicity, and you did it without surrendering the parts of you that prefer independence over instruction. That’s not resistance; that’s resilience.
Now, go drink some water.
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