How to Keep Your Cat Out of the Christmas Tree

One of the most universally known truths about cats is this: they are drawn to Christmas trees like I am to Little Debbie snack cakes. A decorated tree may be a symbol of holiday cheer to most, but to me, it is my Vietnam, a symbol of frustration and unbearable anger because for most of the past years as an adult, I have not been able to keep my Christmas tree cat-free. To my cats, a Christmas tree is an irresistible vertical playground covered in sparkly toys and mazes of branches. I erect the thing (the tree, not the cat), but by New Year’s Day, my floor is littered with shards of ornaments, scattered like fallen soldiers on a battlefield.

But this year, Christmas in my home will be festive, damn it. I am determined to have a fully decorated tree standing proudly in the living room until Saint Nic, himself, shoves his plump ass up my chimney on the night of December 25th. People passing through my neighborhood won't wonder why mine is the only house without a color tree sparkling through a window.

But do I accomplish this without locking the heathens away until Spring?

Allow me to explain how I plan to keep my cat out of the Christmas tree.

ITEMS NEEDED TO KEEP CATS OUT OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE:

  • One decorated Christmas tree
  • One small, loud, motion-/sound-activated Halloween decoration. Something loud. Something ungodly. Bonus if it has glowing eyes and/or shakes like washer with a lopsided load.
  • At least one entitled heathen (i.e., cat)

DIRECTIONS:

  1. Erect Christmas tree in your preferred location. If you’re reusing an artificial tree, vacuum off the dense coat of cat hair you were too lazy to clean off before putting it away last year.
  2. Decorate the tree. For morale purposes, blast festive music. Avoid being triggered by previous years' tragedies and frustrations.
  3. Secure the Halloween decoration near the base of the decorated tree. Something loud. Something ungodly. Bonus if it has glowing eyes or shakes like an unruly baby.
  4. Turn it on.
  5. Wait. When your cat gets too close, the unseasonal ghoul will shriek and flail, scaring the ever-loving glitter out of your furry delinquent. The cat will scream, leap six feet in the air, and seek emotional refuge under the guest bed. The tree? Miraculously intact.

I call it the Ghost of Christmas Stay-the-Fuck-Out-of-My-Tree.

[note: doesn't seem to work so well on deaf cats]

WARNING:

This booby trap may result in:

  • Heart palpitations because you are watching a horror movie (during Christmas as one does) and forget your tree is armed.
  • Soiled underwear while gently sliding a present under the branches and forgetting it’s there.
  • Guests at your holiday party worrying for your sanity when your tree begins to shriek and shake yet you act like nothing is out of the normal.

But it’s worth it.

Thanks to one holdover decoration from Halloween, everyone has a chance at a peaceful, festive, and heathen-free Christmas (except the cats because fuck them). 

I write things. What I enjoy: health, fitness, horror movies, reading, outdoors, hiking, compulsive cleaning, cats, and handsome men sans shirts.

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